Inside my head feels like a thousand church bells ringing at once. A noise so deafening it is hard to hear my own thoughts in my muddled mind. At moments it feels like my insides are just going to explode from over-stimulation. I feel like simultaneously screaming, crying, rocking in a corner and running a hundred miles ( I am NOT a runner so this speaks much to how I feel). Simply stating I am overwhelmed is laughable in comparison to what is actually going on in my heart.
My life is no more chaotic than most of the moms I know. We have soccer, ballet, school and preschool. We also have a 2 year old. It isn’t that we as a family are “doing too much” or “need to cut back”. It is simply that life (even my crazy blessed, beautiful one) is too bright and loud for my introvert self sometimes.
It is that with 3 children, a husband, a dog and a fish I pretty much NEVER get 5 minutes alone. Even at night – when the house should be quiet and I should be sleeping someone always seems to “need” something.
As a mother I so often just keep moving with the current of my children’s lives without realizing I have been swept away into an ocean of weariness.
I don’t want this post to come across as complaining. You see I love my life. I love being busy with my kids. I love hearing happy voices in my home and listening to broken versions of “Jesus Loves MeLet it GoTwinkle StarBitty SpiderHappy know you” from my 2 year old. I love the noise and the clutter and the hugs and sloppy kisses. It’s just that I sometimes love the quiet, the clean, and alone just as much. It is true that you don’t know what you have until it is gone. I used to wish my house had just a little more of all of the above when I was desperate for a baby and not sure I would ever be able to conceive. I used to be jealous of the mom in the grocery store who was trying to wrangle a 2 year old and not drop her milk while her baby was in a ring sling. ( WHY, didn’t I offer to help her??? I am so sorry, tired mom) You see, I truly have had it both ways. The grass isn’t greener either direction. In fact it isn’t grass. One is a glorious wheat field ripe with grain, even and pure. simple. intricate. productive. The other is a field of wildflowers, beautiful and fragrant. Dancing in the breeze. breathtaking. kodak-moment worthy. unique.
I wouldn’t trade my life for all the coffee in the world.
My point is, we all recharge differently, I
desire wish for want NEED quiet to be sane. I NEED to have periods of silence. To process the thoughts in my head before those thoughts become unreasonable, angry minion voices. Before I begin to see the world through eyes of frustration.
I let myself get too far gone.
If you are an introvert, and especially an introvert mom, here’s the down and dirty… You will be a better person if you take that time.
So… this post, is me, taking that 5 minutes. My children may be torturing each other in front of all the neighbors. Sorry if you are an introverted neighbor trying to get 5 minutes outside in the peace. BUT, if I do this I *might* not drive over your flowers tomorrow – at least not on purpose.
How do you recharge best?