The Silent Screams of an Introvert Mom

Inside my head feels like a thousand church bells ringing at once. A noise so deafening it is hard to hear my own thoughts in my muddled mind. At moments it feels like my insides are just going to explode from over-stimulation. I feel like simultaneously screaming, crying, rocking in a corner and running a hundred miles ( I am NOT a runner so this speaks much to how I feel). Simply stating I am overwhelmed is laughable in comparison to what is actually going on in my heart.

My life is no more chaotic than most of the moms I know. We have soccer, ballet, school and preschool. We also have a 2 year old. It isn’t that we as a family are “doing too much” or “need to cut back”. It is simply that life (even my crazy blessed, beautiful one) is too bright and loud for my introvert self sometimes.

It is that with 3 children, a husband, a dog and a fish I pretty much NEVER get 5 minutes alone. Even at night – when the house should be quiet and I should be sleeping someone always seems to “need” something.

As a mother I so often just keep moving with the current of my children’s lives without realizing I  have been swept away into an ocean of weariness.

I don’t want this post to come across as complaining. You see I love my life. I love being busy with my kids. I love hearing happy voices in my home and listening to broken versions of “Jesus Loves MeLet it GoTwinkle StarBitty SpiderHappy know you” from my 2 year old. I love the noise and the clutter and the hugs and sloppy kisses. It’s just that I sometimes love the quiet, the clean, and alone just as much. It is true that you don’t know what you have until it is gone.  I used to wish my house had just a little more of all of the above when I was desperate for a baby and not sure I would ever be able to conceive. I used to be jealous of the mom in the grocery store who was trying to wrangle a 2 year old and not drop her milk while her baby was in a ring sling. ( WHY, didn’t I offer to help her??? I am so sorry, tired mom) You see, I truly have had it both ways. The grass isn’t greener either direction. In fact it isn’t grass. One is a glorious wheat field ripe with grain, even and pure. simple. intricate. productive.  The other is a field of wildflowers, beautiful and fragrant. Dancing in the breeze. breathtaking. kodak-moment worthy. unique.

I wouldn’t trade my life for all the coffee in the world.

My point is, we all recharge differently, I desire wish for want NEED quiet to be sane. I NEED to have periods of silence. To process the thoughts in my head before those thoughts become unreasonable, angry minion voices. Before I begin to see the world through eyes of frustration.

I let myself get too far gone.

If you are an introvert, and especially an introvert mom, here’s the down and dirty… You will be a better person if you take that time.

So… this post, is me, taking that 5 minutes. My children may be torturing each other in front of all the neighbors. Sorry if you are an introverted neighbor trying to get 5 minutes outside in the peace. BUT, if I do this I *might* not drive over your flowers tomorrow – at least not on purpose.

How do you recharge best?

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To the side of my vision

YIKES! I have my computer set to remind me to write on this blog. It automatically dings and pops up this window to write in and it’s just sitting here blinking asking me what is on my mind….. The problem is I don’t have time to write today. At least not to write and also do everything required of a busy mom of 3 with company coming into town. But, there is SO MUCH on my mind. Maybe you all can help me out. Comment on this blog post about what YOU want me to write about. If your topic gets picked I have a little gift for you. 😉 Comments must be made ON the blog NOT on facebook. ALSO, it would be AWESOMESAUCE if you could also become a follower of the blog on wordpress not just on FB. I am trying to spend increasingly less time on social media and having my blog less connected in that way will help that cause greatly.

HAVE A GREAT WEDNESDAY!!!

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September 11th, 2014

13 years. It hardly seems possible. How can a memory so raw and vivid in my mind be so far back in our nation’s history that my children do not have a familiar tug as the calendar creeps closer to that day. For my children September signals the start of school, a crispness in the air. Soccer. Ballet. Daddy’s Birthday. One month closer to the holiday rounds. They have none of the ache that today brings. I am grateful for their innocence. I am grateful for their sweet naivety. I am grateful that in their world people are rarely violent. I am blessed that for all the yucky things they see in the world they still see the world as mostly kind.

Today, we passed our local fire department on the way to preschool. On Sept. 11th they do a tribute where our firemen stand in full fire gear and hold a flag for an hour at a time. My sweet little boy noticed for the first time today…and wanted to know why. I could’ve said “Oh,they are remembering firefighters who died” and that would’ve ended the conversation. Sometimes, ending a conversation with him is simplest because no conversation with him is ever simple. But, instead I told him they were paying tribute to fallen heroes who died on September 11th before he was born.” (insert explanation of tribute here) He asked why anyone would want to fly an airplane into a building. “some people choose to hurt other people for many reasons” I said. He asked why they flew into the big buildings and not little ones. “Because, the towers that they flew into were a symbol for them of America and how strong America is.” He asked if there were firefighters who died. “Yes.” I said. What else could I say? He asked if there were mommies and daddies who died. “Yes.” I told him, “lots of them” After a few moments of silence from my sweet innocent boy in the back seat….”Mommy, were there kids there who got hurt? Did some kids die too mommy?” … “Oh buddy, yes. there were. You see, those people who flew those planes didn’t care who they hurt. They wanted to hurt as many people as possible.” “Oh.” was all he said. What else could he say?

Today, it hurts to try to explain this kind of huge pain to my little guy. Pain my strong rock of a husband can’t understand. It hurts to see even a little bit of his innocence taken away.

THAT however, is why we pay tribute. That is why we remember. Because, it shouldn’t be people who hurt people. Because innocence should be protected.

The world keeps moving. It got up, dusted off and kept moving 13 years ago, and after every war in history.

But, for those whose lives were directly impacted by loss on September 11th, 2001. I am so sorry. For the firemen: Thank you. For the other servicemen and women, Thank you. Your service every day is appreciated. For those brave men and women who became servicemen and women and reached out to help their neighbors: Thank you. For being the good. Thank you.

What else can I say?

Thank you. God bless you, And America.

God, PLEASE BLESS AMERICA.

Our Fireman friend Michael Shea

Mike & The Kids 9-11-14

It is with great honor we share our love for country with our children. IMG_8964

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Kicked the Bucket

Well, ladies and gentlemen, another summer has come and gone. Our family started out our summer with a “bucket list” and boy did we go at it hard! We accomplished most of our list and rarely stopped to take a breath. 

WE HAD FUN THIS SUMMER!!!!

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I really hope all of you had as much fun this summer as we did. I plan to start blogging more regularly in the cooler months to come so watch out people! This mama’s gonna write again!!!