A Look Toward the Future

weather the storms

Hello Readers,

I haven’t written on this blog since April. In the time since my last post honestly, I didn’t know how to follow up. What do you follow a post about grief with?

The answer and realization I have come to is that you don’t. Nothing follows death and leaves the same footprint it would have previously. You have no choice other than to keep moving. The sun still rises. Babies are still born. Loved ones still die. Jobs are lost, hearts are won, there are proposals and divorces a positive and negative a yin and yang to life here on earth that just keeps going…

So, after making a few statements on facebook and being asked ” When are you going to start writing again?”  I am back. (Hopefully more like you favorite aunt coming to visit vs. your scary uncle who smells like old cheese)

In coming weeks I plan to write on some heavier topics. Not heavy subjects really. Just not light and fluffy clouds born of rainbow unicorn farts.  (I can say farts. It’s my blog.) I have 3 things I have been writing in the back of my mind I feel like it is time to share. The first entitled” The purpose is to live Broken”. The second entitled “I may not need you but, I wouldn’t mind having you” and the third “weight bearing friends and why we need them”

These subjects may or may not appeal to you. I need to write them anyway. If for no other purpose than to get my heart cleared of writing them in my quiet moments constantly (My writer, artist and singer friends know what I mean).

Don’t worry… I still plan to share some amazing other things as well… such as DIY’s, Recipes and comedic moments provided by my life.

XOXO and thanks for reading!

K

Advertisements

A broken heart that’s not my own

If you have followed my blog, or are friends with me on facebook or know me in person you know I am struggling with grief over my friend Jessica’s loss. Her son, Jaron Isaiah- Warrior baby J- went home to heaven after only 3 days here on earth.

I didn’t pray for this.

I prayed for a miracle. I was given many. Jaron beat more odds in his 9 months In Utero than anyone dared to believe he would. He did all the things that babies do- His mommy was sick- so very, very morning sick. He kicked… He turned away and pushed the many ultrasound techs away. I watched his expressions on ultrasound with my hand on his mommy’s knee. I felt I knew him- as much as anyone can know someone else’s unborn child. I was with his mommy the day she found out she was for sure expecting him. I was with her and took their announcement pictures the day they celebrated their older son’s birthday and told all their family. I had the honor of being included on so many behind the scenes moments with him. And still, I prayed for a miracle. I expected one. I loved him. And here is where I start to cry and can barely share the rest of how I am feeling. You see, he was not my child. He was hers and I have no right to express anything other than my support for her right now. But, I miss him. I miss him every time I go shopping for my other expectant friends. I miss him when I think of playing with his older brother this summer. I miss him when I see a letter “J” alone in any form. I miss him when my kids say things like “someday when we die we will get to meet Baby J” or ” Where is baby J mama?” or when my oldest who prayed and cried alongside me every step says so matter of factly ” He wasn’t supposed to die mama”. I miss him when I see arrows (which are very popular right now) because for months they have in my head been a symbol of what a strong warrior he was. And he was. strong. Stronger than any of us even knew.

I miss him when I wonder…years ago, I was told I had most likely miscarried my first child. I will never know for sure because I declined the testing to find out if that is what had happened. I will never know if there is a baby in heaven waiting for me. But, I have grieved the thought.

I miss him when I think of my dear friends baby “Bean” who went to heaven before he was born. A baby I never had the chance to know. But whose mother I cried with as we packed away his things. Ultrasound pictures I still have. Memories I am angry I never will create. I was supposed to be his godmother (or hers I suppose)…A godmother is supposed to spoil babies…not help pick out special memory boxes to hold special baby things that will never be worn. But, I have. and I would again if needed. It was and is the only way I can ever be there for Bean… and Bit…

If you could see me now, you would think I was insane. I am sobbing. These were not my children.

But, I hurt.

I hurt for the loss.

I hurt for the unfairness.

I hurt for the anguish my friend is in.

I hurt for the should have been’s, the what-if’s…

I smile when I think of Jaron, happy and whole and walking Heaven with Bean and Bit and maybe, even a baby I never knew I carried- suspected but, never confirmed.

I am angry… I am angry I can do NOTHING to take away the pain. I am angry that I can’t understand completely how Jessica, or her husband Ben… feels. I am ANGRY that the final miracle wasn’t given.

I am angry I am once again trying to comfort someone I care about and feeling like I am failing so miserably. How can you even begin to comfort or help a mother who has lost a child- at ANY point in her life? We are not designed to carry that kind of grief. Parents shouldn’t have to bury their children. Ever.

I hope.

in a savior who in a wisdom and as author of story we haven’t read the ending of thinks that Bean, and Bit, and Jaron… and so many, many others need to be in heaven now.

I am learning

I am learning what it means to mourn with those who mourn. It’s easy to rejoice with those who rejoice. It’s not so easy to mourn. I am learning which things I am saying are the “right” things. I am learning which are not. I am sorry for those.

I am learning how much even a 3 day life impacts a world.

I am learning…

always learning…

In time, I have a letter for Jaron, one which I will probably share. I never shared with anyone my letter to my maybe baby, my letter to Bean or Bit, But, This one I probably will. Because his mommy would want me to. Because, He was a stronger warrior than I am. and because, maybe, someday, someone, will read this… and know it’s OK to be broken hearted…for someone else’s baby

Jen, Thank you for teaching me all those years ago…And loving me even after all my many, many foot in mouth moments. I wish that Bean had not been the answer to preparing me for Jaron…And someday, I can’t wait to ask him if he knows how much he taught me. ❤

Jessica, Thank you for allowing me the honor of being a part of Jaron’s journey. Someday, I will hug him. And I hope he knows… I hope he knows how very lucky I feel to have been here for this.

Just an update. Jessica just shared her heart with the world on her blog. Please read it. http://www.jaronsjourney.wordpress.com

On my KNEES…. Anyone who reads my blog or has read my shares on Facebook has heard the story of Jes and Jaron. or better known as Baby J. Heavens gates need to rattle with our prayers today. Her water broke (one week early) and her little Jaron will be born today. a week earlier than planned. (by man anyway) Ben has found a flight that leaves this afternoon ( A miracle in and of itself), but won’t be able to get there until 8:00 PM Please pray for Ben’s travel plans ( another miracle getting him to his precious family in CA would BE AMAZING!!!! and that Jaron will be born with two functioning lungs. In the meantime there is nothing we can do but pray.. BUT, GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!!!! Let’s all shout to the heavens on behalf of this little warrior who has already taught us so much. ‪#‎IwillprayforbabyJ‬ ‪#‎JaronIsaiah‬ ‪#‎CDHbaby‬ To read more about their journey in Jessica’s blog, click here: https://jaronsjourney.wordpress.com/about-us/

Anyone who reads my blog or has read my shares on Facebook has heard the story of Jes and Jaron. or better known as Baby J. Heavens gates need to rattle with our prayers today. Her water broke (one week early) and her little Jaron will be born today. a week earlier than planned. (by man anyway)  Ben has found a flight that leaves this afternoon ( A miracle in and of itself), but won’t be able to get there until 8:00 PM Please pray for Ben’s travel plans ( another miracle getting him to his precious family in CA would BE AMAZING!!!! and that Jaron will be born with two functioning lungs.  In the meantime there is nothing we can do but pray.. BUT, GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD!!!!!! Let’s all shout to the heavens on behalf of this little warrior who has already taught us so much. ‪#‎IwillprayforbabyJ‬ ‪#‎JaronIsaiah‬ ‪#‎CDHbaby‬  To read more about their journey in Jessica’s blog, click here: https://jaronsjourney.wordpress.com/about-us/

As Long As We Can See The Cross

I am blessed to live in what I consider to be one of the most beautiful parts of the world. And, the valley I call home is one of the most amazing of the beautiful. It can also be harsh and unforgiving territory. A raw and wild part of nature surrounds us here. Part of the beauty here is that you appreciate every serene moment knowing that the weather can change in a 5 minute span. This winter has been no exception to that with bitter cold one minute, snowdrifts that stand above knees, rain and sun are just an hour around these parts.

Recently, I was heading home from my daughters ballet lesson. It’s about a 30 minute drive in the winter (read:I drive like I am 90 on potential ice). When we left the house it was sunny and gorgeous. After a couple of hours we were headed home in what was now pitch black darkness. It was icy enough that with every turn the road made my vehicle was sliding just enough that the kids noticed my tension. My oldest asked what was wrong and I answered her that the roads were bad and I needed to concentrate. I heard her instruct her brother and sister to be quiet…and she started to quietly sing songs with them to keep them busy. (This girls maturity often leaves me stunned.)

There is a stretch of road we have to travel often that is notorious for it’s iciness and danger. There are often accidents in that stretch and I hate driving on it in winter. However, in order to get home we have to cross it. locals call it the “S curves” as its a fast stretch of road heading over a river at the base of a hill. The road itself is a large “S” shape: thus the name. This curve is dangerous. It is also BEAUTIFUL. One of the most stunning landscapes in the area. It also is home to a VERY large lit cross atop a hill. It is a local landmark, placed in memory of a son who was killed on that stretch of road. The cross has been there longer than I have.

It my “safety” as I drive around those curves. At the foot of the cross I am almost home. I have often said to my children “watch for the cross” as a way to let them know we are almost at the end of our journey.

This particular night as the darkness and fog surrounded us, I realized before hitting the curves that the highway lights were out. It was starting to blow snow and honestly, the air in the car was a little thin. We were all on edge. and then my oldest stopped singing and I could hear the sniffling that signals her tears ( she silent cries when she is tense). It was then I heard myself say “It will be OK baby, as long as we can see the cross, just focus on the cross. And pray honey, just pray. Jesus is right here .”

Suddenly, my own tears threatened as I was broken with the realization that I need to remember that in my own life.. not just in some scary stretch of road but, in everything I say, do, think. With every fear if I could just hear Jesus saying ” It’s OK, daughter. Keep your eyes on the cross. Focus on me, I am RIGHT HERE. “

Right now, in this moment, weeks later, I am still stunned and the tears are falling on my keyboard. What an amazing gift. His cross. A reminder of safety. A reminder that death is defeated. A reminder to live in the freedom given by this priceless gift.

A reminder that as Long as we can see the cross we are almost home.